#TujuhBelas

Hi and I'm back earlier than expected right?

I told you that I am going to make myself start writing as I used to be. This is the first step. *Ihopeitwilllast

Okay. As you guys know, I have some trust issues. I mean, I have lots of good friends which is I am very grateful. But in this one thing, I just don't trust people, which is about myself.

Many would say and I am pretty sure you've heard about it. They said "If you have something, share with your friends or share with someone. Talk to them. Don't keep it to yourself" etc.

The thing is, I don't have that "someone" for me to share what I am having or went through right now. I have thousands of things play in my mind and I swear, I do really want to talk with someone about it, but I just can't. Okay. I do have this really good friend. Like, literally, she's the only person I trust. You can say that I am going this harsh mean world because of her that always stay with me no matter what.

But you know? Self problem. *tryingnototcryguys

Okay. Let me just pour it here, can I?

I have been gone through with harsh, mean word from others since I was young. Since I was in my primary kindda era? They always look down on every single thing I did. But when another person did exactly the same thing I did, they were highly praised. Have you guys felt that?

I always try my best to do something that I really like. I really really like writings. I like coloured things. I like arts. I like photography. I like production kind of thing.

But

Every time, I did that, people around me will

"Apa ni Ati. Tak cantik"
"This is not professional"
"Kalau ni dah ke laut, apa lagi yang ni"
"Kena banyak kena ni tau? Kau macam boleh"
"Aku tak percaya do kalau kau yang buat."
"Jangan lah macam ni. Ish. Bagi orang lain lah buat"
"Orang lain elok je. Sampai kau, hancur"

Then can you fucking tell me how instead of this? I tried my best here. I tried my really best on everything cause literally, everything I did was what I like.

Not just that, I do always here this often

"Kau buruk. Takyah lah"
"Kau tak lawa, gemuk. So jangan berangan. Bukan untuk kau"
"Kau boleh ke? Kau dah lah gemuk"

*And all those harsh words and "jokes" that I think you can imagine*

I've been dealing with these since I was young. I used to write blogs for a long time right? But I had to delete all my post because of something. And right now, I'm feeling that I just want to sleep and do nothing because literally, nothing fits me really well. All these words, makes me feel "Ohh. I live for nothing. There's nothing I can do".

I used to share these things with someone "Adult" before. Ohh. Don't get me to start whats happened next. Basically, the conclusion from sharing with a few people is

"Kena percaya diri sendiri dulu"
"Kau yang fikir negatif"
"Biar lah orang nak buat apa. Belajar je elok elok"

What else can I do? Can someone really help me? I don't think so. I mean, this thing is not a big problem because there's more person outside who deal with bigger problem right?

I can handle this. For now... I am really okay :)

#EnamBelas

Welcome back post!

Its been a veryveryveryveryvery long time since my last update here. Same excuse, same reason as I used to gave, "I'm busy". "I don't have time to update". "I got some issues between myself" etc. Bear with me and my group of excuse guys.

So, in my head, there's a lot of things I want to share with. But yeah. I end up writing anything my finger lead my keyboard to.

Many things have happened lately. Maybe because I have not upgraded myself yet or am I a lame person? I felt like everyone is so good at doing things. Maybe just my inner thought. I don't know. I don't want to care. *causeIwillbecomesupersensitive.

Okay. Let me just start to share with you guys slowly as I try to make the "points" inside my head right now.

Well, let's start with.....

My love life! hahahahhahaha. It's funny that I don't really felt sad or heartbroken or depress. Ohh! I just broke up with my five years boyfriend in February. I don't want to put blame on him or myself *cause obviously, it's not my fault tho. So,, what should I say our current situation now?

Are we not in good terms? I don't think so.

Are we are trying to get back together? Strictly no. Because I learn my lesson.

Are we kindda of "best friend already"? No. Because I don't think I am that kind-hearted to be friendly with him.

So, that's that. Past is past right? Surprisingly, after I broke up, I feel a little bit freedom which I can do whatever I want, I got to spend more time to hang out with my friends without checking phone that much, more money to spend on myself *I got to buy my own stuff and I felt so good!*. What else? Well. You know if you in the same situation as mine. And for now, I am not in the situation or whatever you call to look for a boyfriend. Ohh, dude. Let's just stop about this. Makes me cringe tho. Hahaha hahaha.

Next is, skincare!

I don't know, maybe it's time when you reach a certain age, you want to make yourself looks pretty with all those skincare because I started to feel that right now. I'm trying out a few types of skincare and I will change to other skincare after I finish my current skincare. Is this normal? I think it is. Because I'm a girl, duhh. And I think, I spent the quarter of my money to skincare and other stuff related such as cotton pad, tissues, etc. I just want to feel pretty and yeah. If you guys have followed my blog for a long time, you will know how "I don't like skincare" type of person I used to be. I don't know. Hahahhahahahaha.

I have to share you guys this one! I am so into vlogging currently. I just want to do it since I saw Johanis vlog. Since then, I started to do "what's in my bag" or "what's in my case" with my friends jokingly when I was in diploma years. Finally! I got to do and create my content for my youtube channel! *I am so excited guys*. Maybe I have to improve the way I create the content itself but for sure and I'll try my best to be one of your favourite vlogger one day.

And I think that pretty much to update you guys. It's basically big things that I started to do this year. I will keep you guys update often okay? Till then peeps! xoxo

#LimaBelas

Salam and Hi everyone!

So good to update the entry selang beberapa hari je. Kalau tak, makan berbulan jugak baru update. Good work wannur! Hahahahaha

Just some random post. Actually, harini sangaaaaaaaaaaat serabut. Why? Well, my online radio station is currently on a kampus tour and esok we will be leaving semenanjung to go Borneo country's. So, masalah dari segi transportation. Kita sangat jauh dari KL kan? Makanya, kena extra careful. Kalau tak, habis lah.

Okay. Lets get back to bussiness. Eventhough harini sangat serabut, but I feel so grateful sebab I can help my family today. Walaupun tak seberapa, tapi menitis juga airmata ku ini.

Kau kena faham. Aku buat dua keje currently. So, I have less time for myself. Mula mula rasa nak give up. Then something happend yang buat aku rasa "Oh. Aku patut berhenti belajar sekarang sebelum terlambat". But then, more good things happend yang buat aku "I should keep maintaning my result so that I can keep clean etc". So, as for now, aku belajar for my parents. I should repay them right?

Macam aku cakap sebelum ni, banyak sangat benda yang buat aku nak giveup dengan life ni. Aku boleh je duduk rumah, duduk dalam bilik, tido and bangun bila perlu je. I can do that tho. Sampai satu tahap, aku nak tido je. Aku tak nak jumpa sesiapa. AKu nak lari dari semua orang. But then, here I am. Keep living.

Once again, I'm not having any depression. (maybe not yet). I'm just having few conflicts with myself. Macam aku cakap, I feel everyone hates me. I pun benci diri sendiri. Tapi tu lah. I'm a semicolon situation right now. I can stop, but I choose to move on.

Okay. Dah stop merepek banyak sangat. Banyak lagi kerja yang panggil ni.

Till then!

#EmpatBelas

*fuhh fuhh* *uhukuhuk*

Ohh. Hi evelibodi! Long time no see kan? Hahahahahahahhahahahaa. Bukan tak nak update, tapi atas few reasons yang tak boleh dielakkan. And kalau boleh, aku nak elakkan alasan "busy" atau "susah nak update" or "Aint got no time". No no no. So, konklusinya, let just me know the reasons. I'm back peeps!

Still tak lambat nak say, Happy New Year! Im twentytwo olredi. sigh.

Actually, recently, Im having a very hard time. And, currently, I am recovering myself by doing lots of useless or not worthy thingy. Bukan depress ye. Im just having very hard time now.

How does it feel? It does feel so bad. Hilang self confidence sangat teruk tau? Aku rasa like everyone hates me, I annoy everyone a lot. I feel, semua orang tak sedar yang aku wujud, I feel that I can't do anything useful anymore, I feel like semua orang melarikan diri dari aku.

I does feel like you are trap in this one dark room then you dapat keluar dari bilik gelap tu tapi orang dekalat luar bilik tu doesnt even care if you hilang dalam bilik gelap tu. I do feel that way.

I got sick a lot whenever I feel bad. Im at my worst condition. Setiap malam, I suddenly cry a lot. Then I rasa sakit. Then after few hours, baru tido. Thats why I love my room so much.

I don't know why am I behaving like this. Sebab aku bukan macam ni. Mungkin sebab aku banyak berfikir? Or maybe because the problems that I am facing, kan? I really need to be good.

Ada yang fikir, "kenapa tak cerita dekat orang lain?" "Kenapa tak cerita dekat parents?"

Look, I have some issues yang buat aku tak cerita apa pun dekat orang lain including my parents on what I am facing or having right now. Sebab bagi aku, ni masalah aku, diri aku, I can settled it by my own.

One thing I am thankful, I am so good on "endure". And I do better time by time.

I'm trying to start writting balik now. You know that writting has been with me since I was 12:) So, yeah. I think I can do this. 

So, I'll  to update often. I promise to try.

Wish me to keep living..

Till then!