#TujuhBelas

Hi and I'm back earlier than expected right?

I told you that I am going to make myself start writing as I used to be. This is the first step. *Ihopeitwilllast

Okay. As you guys know, I have some trust issues. I mean, I have lots of good friends which is I am very grateful. But in this one thing, I just don't trust people, which is about myself.

Many would say and I am pretty sure you've heard about it. They said "If you have something, share with your friends or share with someone. Talk to them. Don't keep it to yourself" etc.

The thing is, I don't have that "someone" for me to share what I am having or went through right now. I have thousands of things play in my mind and I swear, I do really want to talk with someone about it, but I just can't. Okay. I do have this really good friend. Like, literally, she's the only person I trust. You can say that I am going this harsh mean world because of her that always stay with me no matter what.

But you know? Self problem. *tryingnototcryguys

Okay. Let me just pour it here, can I?

I have been gone through with harsh, mean word from others since I was young. Since I was in my primary kindda era? They always look down on every single thing I did. But when another person did exactly the same thing I did, they were highly praised. Have you guys felt that?

I always try my best to do something that I really like. I really really like writings. I like coloured things. I like arts. I like photography. I like production kind of thing.

But

Every time, I did that, people around me will

"Apa ni Ati. Tak cantik"
"This is not professional"
"Kalau ni dah ke laut, apa lagi yang ni"
"Kena banyak kena ni tau? Kau macam boleh"
"Aku tak percaya do kalau kau yang buat."
"Jangan lah macam ni. Ish. Bagi orang lain lah buat"
"Orang lain elok je. Sampai kau, hancur"

Then can you fucking tell me how instead of this? I tried my best here. I tried my really best on everything cause literally, everything I did was what I like.

Not just that, I do always here this often

"Kau buruk. Takyah lah"
"Kau tak lawa, gemuk. So jangan berangan. Bukan untuk kau"
"Kau boleh ke? Kau dah lah gemuk"

*And all those harsh words and "jokes" that I think you can imagine*

I've been dealing with these since I was young. I used to write blogs for a long time right? But I had to delete all my post because of something. And right now, I'm feeling that I just want to sleep and do nothing because literally, nothing fits me really well. All these words, makes me feel "Ohh. I live for nothing. There's nothing I can do".

I used to share these things with someone "Adult" before. Ohh. Don't get me to start whats happened next. Basically, the conclusion from sharing with a few people is

"Kena percaya diri sendiri dulu"
"Kau yang fikir negatif"
"Biar lah orang nak buat apa. Belajar je elok elok"

What else can I do? Can someone really help me? I don't think so. I mean, this thing is not a big problem because there's more person outside who deal with bigger problem right?

I can handle this. For now... I am really okay :)